Victim blaming




Okay, so there’s a fuckton of shit surrounding things that Carrie Fletcher have supposedly said ‘victim blaming’, and I think it’s something I need to talk about. First of all, if there were someone that irresponsible, who would be pro-victim blaming, then they would NOT have the audience Carrie…

That analogy is BANG ON! Bravo!


I have a few problems with this. 

1) How large someone’s audience is has nothing to do with their ability to be responsible or not victim blame. Given that so many of the abusers have/had large audiences, I feel it should be obvious that number of followers does not equal moral high ground.

2) Saying that people should learn to protect themselves and that responsibility is a two-way street, discussing this in terms of not putting yourselves into bad situations…that is victim blaming. That is what you are doing. “If s/he hadn’t been drunk,” “if s/he hadn’t worn that,” “if s/he hadn’t been alone at night,” are all victim blaming. Doing this says, “Well, it’s not your *fault*, but you didn’t *stop* it.” Which implies that you could have.

Yes, people should be educated about what sexual assault is, what rape is, what abuse is, what they can do when they find themselves in those situations. These are useful things to know. However, acting like people won’t be raped or assaulted simply by doing The Right Thing is so grossly incorrect I can’t really wrap my head around it. People can do everything “right” and still get hurt. To use your plane analogy: what if the oxygen mask fails? What if your life jacket doesn’t inflate? To use your car analogy: what if one of the drivers is drunk and runs onto the sidewalk? 

On another note, knowing what you should do doesn’t necessarily mean that you can do it. When you’re safe, you can easily imagine yelling, or fighting, or running, or any number of things. But when it’s actually happening, all that can fly out of your head in a second. You’re so frightened you don’t remember what to do, you’re so stunned you can’t move, and if you know the person - well, it can be hard to imagine hurting them. It can be hard to accept that they’re actually doing the things they are.

Abusers, especially emotional abusers, make a habit of confusing their victims. In retrospect, or from the outside, their abuse can be very easy to see. From the front lines, not so much. Before you can react, you have to know what’s happening - and for many victims, you don’t know. Or you know, but you don’t want to admit it. You might love the person. You might fear them. You might have a sense of pride about it. “Oh, I would never get involved with someone who’d do something like that. I’m too smart. I know too much about it.” 

Guess what? Shit happens. Horrible things happen to wonderful people. There is no one “type” of victim. There’s no cookie cutter profile. Acting as though there’s a step-by-step system for avoiding being a victim implies that only some people count - those that did exactly what society said would work, and then got hurt anyway. And that is simply not the case. 

You’re right, it would be wonderful to live in a world where the people who are actually responsible for abuse - the abusers - would not do what they’re doing. That would be great. It would also be amazing to live in the world you suggest, where “taking responsibility,” as you put it, meant automatic safety.

Unfortunately, we live in neither world, and suggesting that we do is judgmental, unfair, and deeply damaging to victims. I guarantee you that they have thought of each and every thing they could have possibly done to protect themselves (even if they were not actually feasible), feel guilty already, and that all you’re doing is making someone already suffering from trauma feel worse.

You are victim blaming. You don’t want to admit it, because it’s not a nice thing to do, but that is what you’re doing. 


A victim who’d rather you not.

(via tikken)

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SO - Carrie made a comment in a video that hurt a lot of abuse victims. I contacted her with the two tweets below, and then wrote a tumblr post explaining why that language was harmful. That was all I did.


What happened next was a barrage of nasty tweets calling me a bully, sad, twisted,…

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no but are we not gonna talk about that apology post carrie did is like even worse than the actual video???? like “Your body language may be speaking for you but to be 100% explicit, speak out. Don’t leave room for interpretation. BEFORE you even have the chance to become a victim” like no thats…

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timecurve asked: ""It's about having the confidence to say I don't want to do this" @CarrieHFletcher on pressure in #relationships " what the HECK



The full quote [1:56 in the video]:

Jimmy: What should you do if you feel pressured within a relationship to maybe have sex, or to send explicit pictures, or to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with?
Carrie: It’s about having the confidence and the self-esteem and the self-respect to say ‘I don’t want this’, ‘I don’t wanna do this.’


(Note: this quote is followed by a discussion on consent, which is important, but it does approach it from the angle of ‘oh that can be quite romantic’ rather than ‘hey that’s a legal obligation’.)

Some people are saying that those who have been upset by this are “twisting Carrie’s words” - these were her exact words. Nobody needs to ‘twist’ them to see that she’s implying that victims are somehow at fault when they’re being pressured or coerced if they don’t say ‘no’. 

When you say that you need to have the confidence or self-respect to say no, you’re implying that people who DON’T say “no” or “I don’t want to do this” in those situations are doing so because of a LACK of self-respect or confidence. That they don’t say no because of some personal failing, and that if they had self-respect, they would be able to say no and this might have changed the outcome. This directly puts some of the blame on the victims of coercion or abuse. THIS IS HARMFUL. It doesn’t matter if that’s ‘not how she meant it’ as some people are claiming, because that’s exactly how she said it, and that’s how many viewers will understand it. If that’s really not what she meant, she has to accept that it’s what she implied, and that that responsibility lies with her and the 401 Show not with the victims of abuse who’ve been hurt by her words. Their feelings are the most important thing in this situation.

When you mess up and you make victims of abuse feel worse about what happened to them, you apologise.  You take responsibility. That’s on you. 

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this was probably a first in beyonces whole life

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you-wish-you-had-this-url asked: I've been seeing a lot of people talk about Gus sounding really pretentious in the movie, do you think he sounds pretentious?


I mean, that scene is word-for-word from the book, so don’t blame the movie! :) Yes, Gus is super pretentious at the start of the story. it’s a character flaw.

Gus wants to have a big and important and remembered life, and so he acts like he imagines people who have such lives act. So he’s, like, says-soliloquy-when-he-means-monologue pretentious, which is the most pretentious variety of pretension in all the world.

And then his performative, over-the-top, hyper-self-aware pretentiousness must fall away for him to really connect to Hazel, just as her fear of being a grenade must fall away. That’s what the novel is about. That is its plot.

Gus must make the opposite of the traditional heroic journey—he must start out strong and end up weak in order to reimagine what constitutes a rich and well-lived life.

Basically, a 20-second clip from the first five minutes of a movie is not the movie.

(Standard acknowledgement here that I might be wrong, that I am inevitably defensive of TFIOS, that it has many flaws, that there’s nothing wrong with critical discussion, and that a strong case could be made that I should not insert myself into these conversations at all.)

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I keep thinking oh man, I’m so immature. How am I allowed to be an adult.

Then I spend time with teenagers.

And it’s like, wow, okay, yeah. I am an adult. I am so adult. Look at me adulting all over the place.

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like how much more obvious does this need to be made for people to get it?

this isnt even an exaggeration 
like at all



like how much more obvious does this need to be made for people to get it?

this isnt even an exaggeration 

like at all

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